Dan McGrain

He Said

Now here's a question really worth debating. I could write a dissertation on bad football films. So many wonderfully horrible films to debate and so little time. We've got limited space, so I'll get to the point.

Thesis: "Varsity Blues" is the worst football movie ever made. It is, shall I say, the archetype of the genre, blazing a trail for so many other ridiculous films to be made in its form. It established the rules for a whole new game.

Rule One: Extreme stereotypes of people that like football.

Thoughts: Jon Voight as the football coach who can never lose, who will never lose, not so long as he is in charge! "Never show weakness, the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict!" Oh, and let's not forget our protagonist's father, the drunk who puts too much pressure on his son to follow in his footsteps. And you're never going to believe where it's set, either. Texas.

Rule Two: Popular pretty-boy for a star.

Thoughts: James Van Der Beek. He's Dawson. Smug, southern-drawling, pop-culture phenomenon. I've also seen this rule referred to as the "Ass-Clown for a Protagonist" standard.

Rule Three: Cliched teammates.

Thoughts: The superstar quarterback. The popular cheerleaders. The goofy, lovable fat guy at center. And double-whammy here, he's not even fat anymore! Seriously, look it up. His name is Ron Lester. He was skinny by the movie's debut, even!

Rule Four: A love story that matters more than the football.

Thoughts: How ever will 'Mox' manage to keep his girlfriend, who loves him more for his brains than for his arm, with all that pressure to keep the town's football dreams alive? And how can 'Mox' say no to the hottie in the whipped cream bikini? Will their love survive?

Rule Five: Ridiculous football sequences.

Thoughts: The entire movie.

Rule Six: It's in Texas.

Thoughts: How boring.

Rule Seven: Cheesy voice over.

Thoughts: I can't take this anymore. Since when do I care about what happened after you won and how James Van Der Beek never played football again?

No, seriously. I'm done. I can't believe I just wasted thirty minutes writing about "Varsity Blues".

Danielle Peterson

She Said

So many movies to choose from., is it really fair that we have to narrow it down to just one? I don’t think so. But, since I must, let’s choose the God-awful “The Replacements”.

How bad is it? Keanu Reeves is the handsome, talented, mobile quarterback, come to save the Sentinels from the striking league of spoiled players. (Yes, you read right: the Wooden Wonder is playing a mobile quarterback.)

It is a sheer insult that this movie was filmed in Baltimore. The only saving grace is that the movie “takes place” in Washington, DC. The team’s colors are even red, white and blue for emphasis. Too bad the producers spent as much time masking the purple of M&T Bank Stadium as they did on the script.

The cheerleaders are talentless harlots who work full-time as strippers, presumably close to Capitol Hill. The players are ex-cons, wannabes, and has-beens, of which Reeve’s Shane Falco is the latter.

The worst part of this movie is the fact that Gene Hackman is the coach. Oscar-winning actor Gene Hackman. Lex Luthor.

And the singing. Yes, there is singing. And there’s dancing too. And not just any dance, the Electric Slide. I was in middle school when the Electric Slide was "invented". I remember it well, fondly even. That is was the mid-1980’s.

Twenty years later, Keanu Reeves and friends are in a basement jail cell dancing and singing after a bar fight. Are you kidding me? I mean, really? If you want to inflict sheer pain on your worst enemy, pop in “The Replacements” and queue it up to this scene. Watching Keanu Reeves struggle to move in any fashion to the tune of music is utter torture.

By the way, they aren’t even dancing to the Electric Slide! They are signing “I Will Survive”. Awful.

If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t even mentioned anything about football. What’s the point? “The Replacements” has every cliché covered.

Stalwart player recapturing past glory? Check.

Broken and beaten coach that needs a quarterback, and can’t win otherwise? Check.

A team of misfits with more issues with each other than Israel and Palestine? Check.

One event that brings the whole dysfunctional team together? Check.

That one shining moment where, now joined, team captures glory? Check.

Unnecessary love story that serves no purpose? Check.

This movie is an atrocity. I’m disgusted just thinking about it.

("Any Given Sunday" gets a pass here, because at least that had some semblance of football action.)